What to do if your child is a really picky eater

No matter what I do or say, my son will only eat jam sandwiches. And I mean only. I hate nagging him at mealtimes, but I’m really worried about him.

Having a picky eater deserves an entry in the parent’s worst nightmare hall of fame. We are not surprised it is getting to you. When you think your child isn’t eating properly it’s hard not to panic. It’s not uncommon for otherwise sane parents to completely obsess about what their child is eating, forever keeping a mental tally of what’s going into his mouth, and resorting to almost anything to get him to eat.

It is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult situations to extract yourself from emotionally. After all, from the moment he’s born, your bottom line responsibility is to make sure your child survives, and to do that he’s got to eat. It’s instinctive, it’s innate, and when he won’t, it taps right into your primal fears.

If you are afraid he isn’t eating enough, it’s so easy to get into the habit of coaxing and nagging him at mealtimes, or giving in and letting him eat junk. The more you worry, the more you transfer your own stress onto him. You don’t mean to do it, but if you give him attention for being picky, you entrench the problem. Though it sounds risky, it works much better the other way round: the less you worry and the less you pay attention to how much he is eating, the more he is likely to eat.

We aren’t saying this is going to be easy, especially if your child is small for his age. We can already hear your panic bells ringing. But he can’t eat bread and jam forever. Your goal is to take back control of what he eats, by providing him with good, healthy food, but to give him control over how much of it he eats. Here are five tips to help you through it:

• Pause and keep your own panicky emotions away from the table.

Do whatever it takes to back off. Stop clocking every bite he takes out of the corner of your eye, and don’t make comments or try to coax him to eat. The less attention you give him for not eating, the better. Tell yourself that taking the pressure off isn’t going to be a disaster. Even if he is thin, he isn’t going to starve if he skips a couple of meals. When he is hungry, he’ll eat.

• Tune Into his feelings about food.

If you accept there are some foods he doesn’t like, he might stop complaining about them faster. He may even try them next time. We know this sounds strange, but it works.

Child:

I hate shepherd’s pie. I’m not eating it!

Parent:

You don’t like shepherd’s pie.

Child:

I said I HATE shepherd’s pie!

Parent:

Oh. You absolutely hate it. You loathe it, you wish it wasn’t on the table, and you don’t want to eat it.

Don’t cave in and rescue him by whipping the shepherd’s pie away and preparing something else, and you don’t need to say you are never going to serve it again. Just acknowledge what he says when he tells you he doesn’t like something.

• Give Your Child Attention for Something Else at the Dinner Table.

Don’t be surprised if your child tries to drag you back into a power struggle. He is used to being the focus of attention at the table, and it will take him a bit of time to get used to the new regime. So instead of focusing on your child’s eating, or not eating, focus on your child himself. It makes for a much nicer atmosphere, and he is likely to eat far more on his own if there is a happier atmosphere at the table.

I saw that goal you made today. It was great.

Have you got any ideas what you’d like to do this weekend?

• Feed Your Child Good Food.

Put only good healthy food on the table, so even if he only eats three mouthfuls he’s getting some of the nutrients he needs. Don’t serve junk and try not to keep it in the cupboard. He’ll only fill up on it later.

Bribing with pudding is another nightmare. Do yourself a favour and don’t go there. Instead, put fruit out, like sliced mangos and blueberries, and let him help himself if he wants some. Even if he hasn’t eaten a jot of dinner, the fruit is full of vitamins.

• Don’t label him a Picky Eater.

Don’t talk about how badly he eats, however worried you feel. If he overhears, that is how he will see himself, too.

Only after the power struggle has ended, you’ve stopped focusing on whether your child is eating or not, and you no longer have that toxic desperate edge to your voice, can you casually say things at the dinner table like,

I wish everyone would eat some green things.

Remember, if they choose not to have any, just leave it. The last thing you need is get sucked back into a drama about it.

Final Word From Georgia and Karen:

We’ve found the happiest tables are those where the food is placed the middle and everyone is allowed to help themselves. There is generally a good atmosphere, and with no pressure the children usually tuck in to a nice variety of what’s on offer.

Very occasionally young children need help with more serious food issues. If you are concerned your child falls into this camp, ring the Eating Disorders Association Youth Helpline on (01603) 765 050.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 31st, 2009 at 5:51 pm and is filed under Ask Karen and Georgia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.