What to do when your child says, NO!

This morning it was freezing outside but my son refused to put on his coat. I tried to reason with him, but he put her fingers in his ears, lay on the floor and screamed. In the end, I lost it. I force-fed his arms into the sleeves and marched him to school. He went in stony-faced and I felt terrible about it all day.

A child who refuses to do what you say can drive a perfectly sane parent right up the wall. When you’re heading off to school and the weather is appalling, asking him to put on his coat is perfectly reasonable. No big deal. It’s the obvious next step.

But if he doesn’t agree, you’ve got a problem. We all know that feeling of rising panic and frustration when you’re running out of time. Coaxing doesn’t work, he’s refusing to listen, and you can’t do a thing about it. You’re left standing there, blood pressure rising, wondering how the hell you’re going to get out of this one.

Saying ‘No’ is a trump card for children. They get instant attention and we are held totally to ransom. Whether he refuses to put on her coat, eat his vegetables, or clear the table, it gets right up our noses. Think of Gandhi and his non-violence, striking miners, and Aung San Suu Kyi, leader of the Burmese opposition party. By doing nothing, they drove the authorities wild.

It’s so easy to rise to the bait, lose your temper, and threaten punishments. Sometimes it works. If you get angry enough your child might do what you say. But you’re likely to throb with guilt afterwards, and you can stir up all kinds of resentment. Or you can try bribery. Either way, you are left with that lurking thought, what am I going to have to resort to next time?

Sometimes the stress can work the other way. You want to be nice. You can’t face the confrontation. So when your child says, ‘No!’ you crumple like a wet dishrag. You let him get away with it. He runs the show with his dreadful behaviour, and you know full well he’ll pull this trick again.

So what can you do when your child refuses to do what you say?

• Pause – If you are about to blow up, take a deep breath and zip your lip. You may win this battle by shouting, but you lose the war. So walk into the next room, run your hands under the cold tap, jump up and down. Do whatever it takes so you can return to the room as though nothing has happened. “What were we talking about? Oh, yes. Time to put your coat on.”

• Tune-In – Acknowledge your child doesn’t want to do something. It sounds counterproductive, but this little miracle technique helps melt resistance. “Sounds like you don’t want to put on your coat,” often stops the moaning. You are not saying he can duck out, only acknowledging he doesn’t feel happy about it. When children feel understood, they often stop fussing. He might even move on and tell you what’s really bugging him, “It’s the horrible music teacher today.”

• Explain how you feel – Be matter of fact. “I’m worried you’ll be cold because it’s so horrible outside,” is much more likely to get results than, “Put on this coat NOW because I SAY SO.”

• Praise – Point out anything that is going right, however small. Saying, “Well done! You’re nearly ready,” is far more encouraging than, “Why the hell haven’t you got your coat on yet?”

If none of this works, ask yourself, should I let this one go? Does this one really matter? If he gets cold and wet once, he’ll learn the hard way to wear his coat without you saying another thing. But if you aren’t happy with the drama, decide that this is one of those things you can work on later, when the heat of the moment has passed and you are both a bit more rational.

• Sort it out – So the same thing doesn’t happen next time. Later on, maybe at bedtime, give him a hug and apologise for anything you are feeling guilty about. Then ask him what you can both do next time, so there won’t be an argument. If you are both calm, he’ll probably have some good ideas, and be receptive to yours. You’ll probably get an apology, too.

Last word from Karen

All of my children have gone through a bolshy stage. I discovered by accident that pausing and doing nothing can work miracles. Half the time I couldn’t think what the hell to do. I used to stand there, looking gormless, with my mouth hanging open and lo and behold they’d start doing what I’d asked.

Last word from Georgia

If I’ve got too much on my plate, I can go from Supermother to the Great Dictator in 0-60 seconds. It’s a lot easier to deal with a stroppy child when I’m not feeling stressed.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pm and is filed under Ask Karen and Georgia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.