Five easy steps to boost your child’s confidence

If our daughter thinks she isn’t good at something, she refuses to do it. So she won’t do her maths homework, and she won’t learn to swim or ride a bicycle. She is frightened by dogs and won’t go on rides at theme parks. I’m sorry for her, but it is a total pain. She makes it nearly impossible to do anything together as a family.

When a child isn’t confident, it pulls on your heartstrings. You feel sorry for her, hanging back, while everyone else dives in and has a good time. But it can also be incredibly frustrating.

Some children feel desperate when they feel they can’t do things as well as others, and some are just plain scared. You know if they would screw up their courage and have a go, be it batting a ball or stroking the neighbour’s dog, they would probably enjoy themselves.

When your daughter is holding back or refusing to try things, you probably feel it’s up to you to persuade her. It’s a natural reaction to dismiss her fears to try and put things in perspective:

Stop making such a fuss. It’s not such a big deal. Your sister can do it, and she’s younger than you. Just get on with it!

If it works, she might take the plunge and see for herself that putting her head underwater isn’t so bad after all. But it’s a risky strategy, and not very kind. If you blow it, she will feel about three inches high, and twice as defiant.

Nor will it work to boost her up with lavish praise:

You’re amazing, Darling! You can do it! You are so brave.

She won’t believe a word you say if she feels like a wimp on the inside.

What really gives a child confidence is feeling competent – knowing she actually can do things. You can really help her by shifting your focus from all the things she does wrong, to noticing all the things she is doing right. Here are five ways to go about it.

• Pause, think before you speak, and don’t criticise her.

You can’t boost her confidence if she is feeling persecuted and self-conscious. So stay quiet when she screws up, even if you feel you should set her straight. If she does do something horrendous, you can always discuss it later, at bedtime.

• Praise her specifically for things she actually CAN do.

Notice all the little things she does right and tell her exactly what they are. Open-ended nebulous praise, like, “You’re wonderful!” goes in one ear and out the other. Specific praise helps her to start building up a little repertoire of things she can do and do right: (and it doesn’t have to relate to the things she’s avoiding).

You remembered to put your bowl by the sink.

Good job packing your school bag by yourself.

• Tune-In so she feels understood and that her feelings are valid.

Just repeat back how she says she feels in a straightforward way. Though it sounds weird at first, this really works. It seems counter-intuitive, but if you accept her feelings, she will be able to let them go and move on more easily.

You wish you didn’t have to do maths at school.

Then resist the temptation to say, “But …,” and get preachy. Just listen to her thoughts, and leave it.

• Encourage Responsibility so she learns to do more and feel proud of herself and her ideas.

Instead of bustling in and taking over, let her do more things for herself. And when there is a problem, ask her for ideas. If she can see herself as bright and competent in some areas, other areas will seem less intimidating.

• Be flexible. Lower your expectations and try the problem from different angles.

You might try exposing her, bit by bit, to things she isn’t comfortable with, like playing with a puppy before facing a larger dog, or only splashing her feet in the pool. Lots of things, like learning to swim or riding a bike, only get fun when they get familiar.

Last word from Karen: One of my daughters loathes rides at theme parks, and probably always will. No problem. It gives us a great excuse to shop or have hot cocoas while the others queue up.

Last word from Georgia: If children feel they aren’t good at something, their feelings can last a lifetime. I remember when I was seven the humiliation of being chosen last for netball. I never wanted to play netball ever again.