The Pause Parent
The secret of Pause Parents is that they don’t overreact in a crisis. If their child is arguing, whinging or shouting, they realize it doesn’t help to get wound up and sucked into the drama. They know they can reduce the emotional temperature much faster if they keep their cool and give themselves time to think things through. Even if a situation seems overwhelming, they don’t panic if they can’t immediately see how to solve it. They know that once everyone has simmered down, everything will become clear. Then they can pick up the pieces, solve the problem, and maybe even stop the same scene playing itself out again in the future.
We’re not talking about emergencies - Pause Parents don’t sit back if their child is about to run into the road, and if she scrapes her knee they’ll give her a hug. When it is obvious what to do, they do it.
Being a Pause Parent is more about knowing that if you stay calm you will be able to regain control. Some Pause Parents feel panicky, like a rabbit in the headlights, because they can’t think what to do or say. But it doesn’t matter. You are actually doing a lot more good than you think. By staying quiet there’s no chance of blurting out something horrible you’ll regret later or inadvertently making matters worse.
If you aren’t a natural Pause Parent, it can be hard not to react to provocation. But if you manage to take a deep breath and stay quiet, the results can be dramatic.
My daughter and I used to get into terrible rows. We would shout and scream at each other, and say the most awful things.
I knew we couldn’t go on fighting like that - something had to change. So the next time it took all I had, but I stayed quiet. I waited until she calmed down before talking it through with her.
It was so much better. What a relief.
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